PRINCIPLES FOR MINDFUL DIALOGUE*
1. Intention to learn from others and yourself
• Seek to know and understand others from their perspective
• Practice being open to learning from research, yourself and others, regardless whether the outcome is bitter or sweet
• Practice finding the questions to your answers
• Practice paraphrasing and questioning others’ messages to confirm or deepen your understanding of their perspective
Obstacle~ getting caught in lecturing, posturing, persuading, advice giving, rejecting, etc.
Obstacle~ waiting for your turn to interrupt
2. Intention to be of benefit to others
• Seek to know and understand others from their perspective for the purpose of reflecting and inquiring into what will be of benefit to them
• Practice asking what will be of benefit to others? E.g. what would you like me to know right now?
Obstacle~ ventilating, lecturing, posturing, persuading, advice-giving, rejecting, etc...
Obstacle~ assuming you know the other and that you know what is best for them
3. Seek to be a clean mirror
• Practice acknowledging your own mental models and identities
• Practice acknowledging the impact of your mental models and identities on your perception and interpretation of people, messages and events
• Practice acknowledging your emotional responses
Obstacle~ ignoring or denying your own mental models, emotional responses, bias, etc.
Obstacle~ ignoring or rejecting the expressed experience of the others
Obstacle~ pressuring another to change their interpretation
Obstacle~ Judgments and advice
4. Listen to your self and other
• Practice being mindful of where you are placing your focus and attention
• Practice receiving and inquiring into the messages you and the other are communicating
• Practice listening to the whole person, not just one aspect of the message
Obstacle~ waiting for your turn to interrupt
Obstacle~ automatically rejecting or judging your own or others’ messages as good/bad/right/wrong
Obstacle~ listening to only one aspect of the message
Obstacle~ spacing out
5. Let speech be concise and reflect your truth
• Practice being concise
• Seek to share the speaking time
• Seek to reflect the truth of your experience, as you presently know it and practice speaking out from that place
Obstacle~ monopolizing speaking space
Obstacle~ getting sidetracked, speaking on unrelated issues
Obstacle~ chatter or ventilating without reflection or connection
6. Let speech emerge out of silence
• Seek to receive other’s messages~ let them soak in before speaking
• Practice responding out of silence
• Be open to letting the spirit of the dialogue flow
Obstacle~ fear of silence
* sources: “The contemplative practice of giving and receiving feedback” by Karen Kessel Wegala; On dialogue by David Bohm, John Welwood’s work on contemplative dialogue; Deep Dialogue by Ralph Wolff, and conversations with Dr. Gale Young
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Grapevine Letters
This is the first semester that I have used a blog format for Comm 6. Please offer advice for future Comm 6 students. The comments can reflect the reading content, class format, oral midterm/final and any other aspects of the course that you deem relevant. The point is to help future students finish the course successfully, and as painlessly as possible.
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LOVELINE SCENARIOS (Oral Midterm)
ASSIGNMENT RUBRIC WILL BE HANDED OUT IN CLASS.
**Your group will choose 5 scenarios from the numbered list below. I will only choose questions for your group to answer from culled list**
Point Value: 50
CALLS:
1. Hey my name is Johnny and I’m 24, calling from Atlanta. Yesterday I met this super fine honey and we talked for about 2 hours. She told me what type of person she was and I thought she was a cool person. But then today I saw her with 2 other dudes. What should I do? I think I am in love with her.
2. Hi my name is Jared and I am 21. There is this hot chick in my class and I find that I cannot pay attention to the professor because I keep daydreaming about her. If I drop the class I will have to postpone transferring and will not get my money back. What should I do? Should I ask her to drop? Should I ask her out?
3. My friend always wants to hold hands and kiss while we are out in public. I think it is ridiculous because it is not like we are kids anymore. I wish she wasn’t so touchy feely. How can I make her stop?
4. I have been dating the same person for 3 years and we plan to get married one day. Lately I feel as though I am being pressured to have sex. She knows how I feel about sex before marriage but she says we love each other and that we are going to be together and get married one day anyway. What should I do? I don’t want to lose her.
5. When I am in class I find myself getting irritated with other students. Some are texting or eating or like taking an infinitely long time to open a bag of chips, and then they eat the chips one at a time and the bag crinkles, and they chew loudly, and I feel like they are keeping me from listening to the instructor. Should I say something to the teacher? I feel like smacking this idiot.
6. My name is Jack and I am 19. I tend to make judgments about people (and they are usually correct) but lately my friends are calling me on it. I know I can be annoying and want to fix this behavior—any advice?
7. I have been seeing this girl for a couple of months but I think she is still seeing her ex romantically. I confronted her about it last week and she said that they are just friends and they have dinner sometimes. It tears me up when she leaves the house. What can I tell her to make her stop?
8. I keep telling my girlfriend that I need a little more excitement in the bedroom but every time we get close it is the same old thing? How can I get her to understand my needs?
9. My name is Marcos; I am 23 calling from concord. I have a hard time communicating what I feel to my girlfriend. It is like I cannot find the words to match what I am feeling so I stay quiet—then she gets all mad and we end up in a stupid argument. I want to be open with her but I just can’t…what can I do?
10. My girlfriend and I got really close physically as soon as we started dating. We have been dating now for about 3 months and things have been great. But lately I noticed that the only way we are connecting is in bed. Is it too late to go back and work on connecting in other ways?
11. Hi my name is Lorna and I am calling from California. My husband and I argue about money all the time. He refuses to sit down and look at the bills with me and the he seems to want me to justify where all “his” paychecks go? What should I do?
12. My name is Jenny and I am 19 calling from San Diego. My sister is 16 and she is constantly trying to prove that she is better than me. I try to tell her that trying to out do me is not proving a thing and she just turns and walks off. What can I do to help her understand?
13. My name is Susie and I am 19, calling from Chicago. My boyfriend is about my same age and he is afraid of commitment. I am very insecure that he could be cheating on me and I would never even know it. I don’t know what to do. Should I follow him?
14. I am a 22 year old female. I am in love with my mother’s boyfriend. He is in love with me too. We have this chemistry. Every time I try to tell him I love him, I get all choked up? How can I communicate to him that I love him? How can I tell my mom?
15. I was talking to my roommate about what happened to me today. She was writing something on her desk at the time so I asked her if she was listening to me or not. She said that she is listening but I was not comfortable talking to her while she was doing something else. Can people do two things at one time—listening and writing?
16. Sometimes I get frustrated with my boyfriend because he doesn’t ever remember what I tell him. I can tell him something and then the very next day de doesn’t even remember our conversation. What is wrong with him?
17. Hello my name is Nicole and I am 31 calling from Texas. I enjoy sending my finance little cards and “I miss you gifts.” He always tells me “oh you don’t have to do that.” I feel like he is not appreciative of the time and effort that I put into this relationship. I feel like he does not appreciate me…do I stop sending him cards?
18. My name is Jenny and I am 20, calling from California. Whenever I try to discuss issues with my boyfriend, it seems as though he is paying more attention to the television than me. I don’t know what to do. I ask him to repeat what I just said to him and he replies “yeah yeah, I heard you.” How can I get him to listen to me?
19. Two of my classes are right next to a bunch of ongoing, never-ending construction. The workers and machines make a ton of noise and I cannot pay attention. Any advice? I need these classes to get into the nursing program and my GPA needs to remain high.
20. My sister always comes to me with her problems. She is always detailed about her situation but for some reason I just cannot pay attention to her trivial problems. By the time she is done speaking I have no clue because I tend to day dream a lot and always end up saying “I am sorry you had a bad day.” I wish I could be more empathetic towards her problems so that I can give her good advice. Is there a way I could concentrate more on the conversation?
21. I have a hard time listening to people when they give me too much information. For example, they tell me something and I got it but they keep going on and on and I feel impatient. I try to show my impatience by looking annoyed but they don’t seem to get it.
22. My ex-girlfriend seems to be determined to get back with me no matter who I am involved with. She calls me often and invites me to come visit her late at night and she asks me out for dates. I am currently involved with someone else but I would like to still be her friend. I don’t want to jump to a conclusion at the risk of our friendship…what should I do?
23. My name is Josh; I am 40 calling from Colorado. Every time someone is talking to me I tend to mute the talker out and be in my own world. How can I improve my hearing?
24. When I have a problem I want to share it with my husband. However when I do, he quickly jumps in and starts telling me what to do and how I should handle the situation. How can I get him to hear what I am saying without immediately telling me what to do?
25. Often times my girlfriend complains to me about her mother. However the subject is extremely boring to me. I like her a lot and I don’t want to hurt her feelings? What should I do?
26. Hi my name is Gloria and I am calling from New York. I have a friend who is always saying negative things about everybody. It doesn’t take a genius to consider that she probably talks this away about me to other people as well. She is a good person but I don’t know how to tell her to stop talking crap about everybody all the time!
27. My name is Beck and I am 28 years old. I have a problem with people who go off on tangents that have nothing to do with what we are talking about. I mean I want to scream “shut up you idiot that has nothing to do with what we are talking about?” but that might seem rude. Any suggestions about how I can get that message across without being mean?
28. Hey my name is Marc from New Jersey. I have a problem with people who tend to offer too much personal information too fast—it makes me uncomfortable and irritated. In class or at work—they just kind of spill their guts and it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like they expect me to disclose something and I have no intention of doing that so I try to appear disinterested. This does not seem to work. Any advice?
**Your group will choose 5 scenarios from the numbered list below. I will only choose questions for your group to answer from culled list**
Point Value: 50
CALLS:
1. Hey my name is Johnny and I’m 24, calling from Atlanta. Yesterday I met this super fine honey and we talked for about 2 hours. She told me what type of person she was and I thought she was a cool person. But then today I saw her with 2 other dudes. What should I do? I think I am in love with her.
2. Hi my name is Jared and I am 21. There is this hot chick in my class and I find that I cannot pay attention to the professor because I keep daydreaming about her. If I drop the class I will have to postpone transferring and will not get my money back. What should I do? Should I ask her to drop? Should I ask her out?
3. My friend always wants to hold hands and kiss while we are out in public. I think it is ridiculous because it is not like we are kids anymore. I wish she wasn’t so touchy feely. How can I make her stop?
4. I have been dating the same person for 3 years and we plan to get married one day. Lately I feel as though I am being pressured to have sex. She knows how I feel about sex before marriage but she says we love each other and that we are going to be together and get married one day anyway. What should I do? I don’t want to lose her.
5. When I am in class I find myself getting irritated with other students. Some are texting or eating or like taking an infinitely long time to open a bag of chips, and then they eat the chips one at a time and the bag crinkles, and they chew loudly, and I feel like they are keeping me from listening to the instructor. Should I say something to the teacher? I feel like smacking this idiot.
6. My name is Jack and I am 19. I tend to make judgments about people (and they are usually correct) but lately my friends are calling me on it. I know I can be annoying and want to fix this behavior—any advice?
7. I have been seeing this girl for a couple of months but I think she is still seeing her ex romantically. I confronted her about it last week and she said that they are just friends and they have dinner sometimes. It tears me up when she leaves the house. What can I tell her to make her stop?
8. I keep telling my girlfriend that I need a little more excitement in the bedroom but every time we get close it is the same old thing? How can I get her to understand my needs?
9. My name is Marcos; I am 23 calling from concord. I have a hard time communicating what I feel to my girlfriend. It is like I cannot find the words to match what I am feeling so I stay quiet—then she gets all mad and we end up in a stupid argument. I want to be open with her but I just can’t…what can I do?
10. My girlfriend and I got really close physically as soon as we started dating. We have been dating now for about 3 months and things have been great. But lately I noticed that the only way we are connecting is in bed. Is it too late to go back and work on connecting in other ways?
11. Hi my name is Lorna and I am calling from California. My husband and I argue about money all the time. He refuses to sit down and look at the bills with me and the he seems to want me to justify where all “his” paychecks go? What should I do?
12. My name is Jenny and I am 19 calling from San Diego. My sister is 16 and she is constantly trying to prove that she is better than me. I try to tell her that trying to out do me is not proving a thing and she just turns and walks off. What can I do to help her understand?
13. My name is Susie and I am 19, calling from Chicago. My boyfriend is about my same age and he is afraid of commitment. I am very insecure that he could be cheating on me and I would never even know it. I don’t know what to do. Should I follow him?
14. I am a 22 year old female. I am in love with my mother’s boyfriend. He is in love with me too. We have this chemistry. Every time I try to tell him I love him, I get all choked up? How can I communicate to him that I love him? How can I tell my mom?
15. I was talking to my roommate about what happened to me today. She was writing something on her desk at the time so I asked her if she was listening to me or not. She said that she is listening but I was not comfortable talking to her while she was doing something else. Can people do two things at one time—listening and writing?
16. Sometimes I get frustrated with my boyfriend because he doesn’t ever remember what I tell him. I can tell him something and then the very next day de doesn’t even remember our conversation. What is wrong with him?
17. Hello my name is Nicole and I am 31 calling from Texas. I enjoy sending my finance little cards and “I miss you gifts.” He always tells me “oh you don’t have to do that.” I feel like he is not appreciative of the time and effort that I put into this relationship. I feel like he does not appreciate me…do I stop sending him cards?
18. My name is Jenny and I am 20, calling from California. Whenever I try to discuss issues with my boyfriend, it seems as though he is paying more attention to the television than me. I don’t know what to do. I ask him to repeat what I just said to him and he replies “yeah yeah, I heard you.” How can I get him to listen to me?
19. Two of my classes are right next to a bunch of ongoing, never-ending construction. The workers and machines make a ton of noise and I cannot pay attention. Any advice? I need these classes to get into the nursing program and my GPA needs to remain high.
20. My sister always comes to me with her problems. She is always detailed about her situation but for some reason I just cannot pay attention to her trivial problems. By the time she is done speaking I have no clue because I tend to day dream a lot and always end up saying “I am sorry you had a bad day.” I wish I could be more empathetic towards her problems so that I can give her good advice. Is there a way I could concentrate more on the conversation?
21. I have a hard time listening to people when they give me too much information. For example, they tell me something and I got it but they keep going on and on and I feel impatient. I try to show my impatience by looking annoyed but they don’t seem to get it.
22. My ex-girlfriend seems to be determined to get back with me no matter who I am involved with. She calls me often and invites me to come visit her late at night and she asks me out for dates. I am currently involved with someone else but I would like to still be her friend. I don’t want to jump to a conclusion at the risk of our friendship…what should I do?
23. My name is Josh; I am 40 calling from Colorado. Every time someone is talking to me I tend to mute the talker out and be in my own world. How can I improve my hearing?
24. When I have a problem I want to share it with my husband. However when I do, he quickly jumps in and starts telling me what to do and how I should handle the situation. How can I get him to hear what I am saying without immediately telling me what to do?
25. Often times my girlfriend complains to me about her mother. However the subject is extremely boring to me. I like her a lot and I don’t want to hurt her feelings? What should I do?
26. Hi my name is Gloria and I am calling from New York. I have a friend who is always saying negative things about everybody. It doesn’t take a genius to consider that she probably talks this away about me to other people as well. She is a good person but I don’t know how to tell her to stop talking crap about everybody all the time!
27. My name is Beck and I am 28 years old. I have a problem with people who go off on tangents that have nothing to do with what we are talking about. I mean I want to scream “shut up you idiot that has nothing to do with what we are talking about?” but that might seem rude. Any suggestions about how I can get that message across without being mean?
28. Hey my name is Marc from New Jersey. I have a problem with people who tend to offer too much personal information too fast—it makes me uncomfortable and irritated. In class or at work—they just kind of spill their guts and it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like they expect me to disclose something and I have no intention of doing that so I try to appear disinterested. This does not seem to work. Any advice?
