PRINCIPLES FOR MINDFUL DIALOGUE*
1. Intention to learn from others and yourself
• Seek to know and understand others from their perspective
• Practice being open to learning from research, yourself and others, regardless whether the outcome is bitter or sweet
• Practice finding the questions to your answers
• Practice paraphrasing and questioning others’ messages to confirm or deepen your understanding of their perspective
Obstacle~ getting caught in lecturing, posturing, persuading, advice giving, rejecting, etc.
Obstacle~ waiting for your turn to interrupt
2. Intention to be of benefit to others
• Seek to know and understand others from their perspective for the purpose of reflecting and inquiring into what will be of benefit to them
• Practice asking what will be of benefit to others? E.g. what would you like me to know right now?
Obstacle~ ventilating, lecturing, posturing, persuading, advice-giving, rejecting, etc...
Obstacle~ assuming you know the other and that you know what is best for them
3. Seek to be a clean mirror
• Practice acknowledging your own mental models and identities
• Practice acknowledging the impact of your mental models and identities on your perception and interpretation of people, messages and events
• Practice acknowledging your emotional responses
Obstacle~ ignoring or denying your own mental models, emotional responses, bias, etc.
Obstacle~ ignoring or rejecting the expressed experience of the others
Obstacle~ pressuring another to change their interpretation
Obstacle~ Judgments and advice
4. Listen to your self and other
• Practice being mindful of where you are placing your focus and attention
• Practice receiving and inquiring into the messages you and the other are communicating
• Practice listening to the whole person, not just one aspect of the message
Obstacle~ waiting for your turn to interrupt
Obstacle~ automatically rejecting or judging your own or others’ messages as good/bad/right/wrong
Obstacle~ listening to only one aspect of the message
Obstacle~ spacing out
5. Let speech be concise and reflect your truth
• Practice being concise
• Seek to share the speaking time
• Seek to reflect the truth of your experience, as you presently know it and practice speaking out from that place
Obstacle~ monopolizing speaking space
Obstacle~ getting sidetracked, speaking on unrelated issues
Obstacle~ chatter or ventilating without reflection or connection
6. Let speech emerge out of silence
• Seek to receive other’s messages~ let them soak in before speaking
• Practice responding out of silence
• Be open to letting the spirit of the dialogue flow
Obstacle~ fear of silence
* sources: “The contemplative practice of giving and receiving feedback” by Karen Kessel Wegala; On dialogue by David Bohm, John Welwood’s work on contemplative dialogue; Deep Dialogue by Ralph Wolff, and conversations with Dr. Gale Young
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Grapevine Letters
This is the first semester that I have used a blog format for Comm 6. Please offer advice for future Comm 6 students. The comments can reflect the reading content, class format, oral midterm/final and any other aspects of the course that you deem relevant. The point is to help future students finish the course successfully, and as painlessly as possible.
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LOVELINE SCENARIOS (Oral Midterm)
ASSIGNMENT RUBRIC WILL BE HANDED OUT IN CLASS.
**Your group will choose 5 scenarios from the numbered list below. I will only choose questions for your group to answer from culled list**
Point Value: 50
CALLS:
1. Hey my name is Johnny and I’m 24, calling from Atlanta. Yesterday I met this super fine honey and we talked for about 2 hours. She told me what type of person she was and I thought she was a cool person. But then today I saw her with 2 other dudes. What should I do? I think I am in love with her.
2. Hi my name is Jared and I am 21. There is this hot chick in my class and I find that I cannot pay attention to the professor because I keep daydreaming about her. If I drop the class I will have to postpone transferring and will not get my money back. What should I do? Should I ask her to drop? Should I ask her out?
3. My friend always wants to hold hands and kiss while we are out in public. I think it is ridiculous because it is not like we are kids anymore. I wish she wasn’t so touchy feely. How can I make her stop?
4. I have been dating the same person for 3 years and we plan to get married one day. Lately I feel as though I am being pressured to have sex. She knows how I feel about sex before marriage but she says we love each other and that we are going to be together and get married one day anyway. What should I do? I don’t want to lose her.
5. When I am in class I find myself getting irritated with other students. Some are texting or eating or like taking an infinitely long time to open a bag of chips, and then they eat the chips one at a time and the bag crinkles, and they chew loudly, and I feel like they are keeping me from listening to the instructor. Should I say something to the teacher? I feel like smacking this idiot.
6. My name is Jack and I am 19. I tend to make judgments about people (and they are usually correct) but lately my friends are calling me on it. I know I can be annoying and want to fix this behavior—any advice?
7. I have been seeing this girl for a couple of months but I think she is still seeing her ex romantically. I confronted her about it last week and she said that they are just friends and they have dinner sometimes. It tears me up when she leaves the house. What can I tell her to make her stop?
8. I keep telling my girlfriend that I need a little more excitement in the bedroom but every time we get close it is the same old thing? How can I get her to understand my needs?
9. My name is Marcos; I am 23 calling from concord. I have a hard time communicating what I feel to my girlfriend. It is like I cannot find the words to match what I am feeling so I stay quiet—then she gets all mad and we end up in a stupid argument. I want to be open with her but I just can’t…what can I do?
10. My girlfriend and I got really close physically as soon as we started dating. We have been dating now for about 3 months and things have been great. But lately I noticed that the only way we are connecting is in bed. Is it too late to go back and work on connecting in other ways?
11. Hi my name is Lorna and I am calling from California. My husband and I argue about money all the time. He refuses to sit down and look at the bills with me and the he seems to want me to justify where all “his” paychecks go? What should I do?
12. My name is Jenny and I am 19 calling from San Diego. My sister is 16 and she is constantly trying to prove that she is better than me. I try to tell her that trying to out do me is not proving a thing and she just turns and walks off. What can I do to help her understand?
13. My name is Susie and I am 19, calling from Chicago. My boyfriend is about my same age and he is afraid of commitment. I am very insecure that he could be cheating on me and I would never even know it. I don’t know what to do. Should I follow him?
14. I am a 22 year old female. I am in love with my mother’s boyfriend. He is in love with me too. We have this chemistry. Every time I try to tell him I love him, I get all choked up? How can I communicate to him that I love him? How can I tell my mom?
15. I was talking to my roommate about what happened to me today. She was writing something on her desk at the time so I asked her if she was listening to me or not. She said that she is listening but I was not comfortable talking to her while she was doing something else. Can people do two things at one time—listening and writing?
16. Sometimes I get frustrated with my boyfriend because he doesn’t ever remember what I tell him. I can tell him something and then the very next day de doesn’t even remember our conversation. What is wrong with him?
17. Hello my name is Nicole and I am 31 calling from Texas. I enjoy sending my finance little cards and “I miss you gifts.” He always tells me “oh you don’t have to do that.” I feel like he is not appreciative of the time and effort that I put into this relationship. I feel like he does not appreciate me…do I stop sending him cards?
18. My name is Jenny and I am 20, calling from California. Whenever I try to discuss issues with my boyfriend, it seems as though he is paying more attention to the television than me. I don’t know what to do. I ask him to repeat what I just said to him and he replies “yeah yeah, I heard you.” How can I get him to listen to me?
19. Two of my classes are right next to a bunch of ongoing, never-ending construction. The workers and machines make a ton of noise and I cannot pay attention. Any advice? I need these classes to get into the nursing program and my GPA needs to remain high.
20. My sister always comes to me with her problems. She is always detailed about her situation but for some reason I just cannot pay attention to her trivial problems. By the time she is done speaking I have no clue because I tend to day dream a lot and always end up saying “I am sorry you had a bad day.” I wish I could be more empathetic towards her problems so that I can give her good advice. Is there a way I could concentrate more on the conversation?
21. I have a hard time listening to people when they give me too much information. For example, they tell me something and I got it but they keep going on and on and I feel impatient. I try to show my impatience by looking annoyed but they don’t seem to get it.
22. My ex-girlfriend seems to be determined to get back with me no matter who I am involved with. She calls me often and invites me to come visit her late at night and she asks me out for dates. I am currently involved with someone else but I would like to still be her friend. I don’t want to jump to a conclusion at the risk of our friendship…what should I do?
23. My name is Josh; I am 40 calling from Colorado. Every time someone is talking to me I tend to mute the talker out and be in my own world. How can I improve my hearing?
24. When I have a problem I want to share it with my husband. However when I do, he quickly jumps in and starts telling me what to do and how I should handle the situation. How can I get him to hear what I am saying without immediately telling me what to do?
25. Often times my girlfriend complains to me about her mother. However the subject is extremely boring to me. I like her a lot and I don’t want to hurt her feelings? What should I do?
26. Hi my name is Gloria and I am calling from New York. I have a friend who is always saying negative things about everybody. It doesn’t take a genius to consider that she probably talks this away about me to other people as well. She is a good person but I don’t know how to tell her to stop talking crap about everybody all the time!
27. My name is Beck and I am 28 years old. I have a problem with people who go off on tangents that have nothing to do with what we are talking about. I mean I want to scream “shut up you idiot that has nothing to do with what we are talking about?” but that might seem rude. Any suggestions about how I can get that message across without being mean?
28. Hey my name is Marc from New Jersey. I have a problem with people who tend to offer too much personal information too fast—it makes me uncomfortable and irritated. In class or at work—they just kind of spill their guts and it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like they expect me to disclose something and I have no intention of doing that so I try to appear disinterested. This does not seem to work. Any advice?
**Your group will choose 5 scenarios from the numbered list below. I will only choose questions for your group to answer from culled list**
Point Value: 50
CALLS:
1. Hey my name is Johnny and I’m 24, calling from Atlanta. Yesterday I met this super fine honey and we talked for about 2 hours. She told me what type of person she was and I thought she was a cool person. But then today I saw her with 2 other dudes. What should I do? I think I am in love with her.
2. Hi my name is Jared and I am 21. There is this hot chick in my class and I find that I cannot pay attention to the professor because I keep daydreaming about her. If I drop the class I will have to postpone transferring and will not get my money back. What should I do? Should I ask her to drop? Should I ask her out?
3. My friend always wants to hold hands and kiss while we are out in public. I think it is ridiculous because it is not like we are kids anymore. I wish she wasn’t so touchy feely. How can I make her stop?
4. I have been dating the same person for 3 years and we plan to get married one day. Lately I feel as though I am being pressured to have sex. She knows how I feel about sex before marriage but she says we love each other and that we are going to be together and get married one day anyway. What should I do? I don’t want to lose her.
5. When I am in class I find myself getting irritated with other students. Some are texting or eating or like taking an infinitely long time to open a bag of chips, and then they eat the chips one at a time and the bag crinkles, and they chew loudly, and I feel like they are keeping me from listening to the instructor. Should I say something to the teacher? I feel like smacking this idiot.
6. My name is Jack and I am 19. I tend to make judgments about people (and they are usually correct) but lately my friends are calling me on it. I know I can be annoying and want to fix this behavior—any advice?
7. I have been seeing this girl for a couple of months but I think she is still seeing her ex romantically. I confronted her about it last week and she said that they are just friends and they have dinner sometimes. It tears me up when she leaves the house. What can I tell her to make her stop?
8. I keep telling my girlfriend that I need a little more excitement in the bedroom but every time we get close it is the same old thing? How can I get her to understand my needs?
9. My name is Marcos; I am 23 calling from concord. I have a hard time communicating what I feel to my girlfriend. It is like I cannot find the words to match what I am feeling so I stay quiet—then she gets all mad and we end up in a stupid argument. I want to be open with her but I just can’t…what can I do?
10. My girlfriend and I got really close physically as soon as we started dating. We have been dating now for about 3 months and things have been great. But lately I noticed that the only way we are connecting is in bed. Is it too late to go back and work on connecting in other ways?
11. Hi my name is Lorna and I am calling from California. My husband and I argue about money all the time. He refuses to sit down and look at the bills with me and the he seems to want me to justify where all “his” paychecks go? What should I do?
12. My name is Jenny and I am 19 calling from San Diego. My sister is 16 and she is constantly trying to prove that she is better than me. I try to tell her that trying to out do me is not proving a thing and she just turns and walks off. What can I do to help her understand?
13. My name is Susie and I am 19, calling from Chicago. My boyfriend is about my same age and he is afraid of commitment. I am very insecure that he could be cheating on me and I would never even know it. I don’t know what to do. Should I follow him?
14. I am a 22 year old female. I am in love with my mother’s boyfriend. He is in love with me too. We have this chemistry. Every time I try to tell him I love him, I get all choked up? How can I communicate to him that I love him? How can I tell my mom?
15. I was talking to my roommate about what happened to me today. She was writing something on her desk at the time so I asked her if she was listening to me or not. She said that she is listening but I was not comfortable talking to her while she was doing something else. Can people do two things at one time—listening and writing?
16. Sometimes I get frustrated with my boyfriend because he doesn’t ever remember what I tell him. I can tell him something and then the very next day de doesn’t even remember our conversation. What is wrong with him?
17. Hello my name is Nicole and I am 31 calling from Texas. I enjoy sending my finance little cards and “I miss you gifts.” He always tells me “oh you don’t have to do that.” I feel like he is not appreciative of the time and effort that I put into this relationship. I feel like he does not appreciate me…do I stop sending him cards?
18. My name is Jenny and I am 20, calling from California. Whenever I try to discuss issues with my boyfriend, it seems as though he is paying more attention to the television than me. I don’t know what to do. I ask him to repeat what I just said to him and he replies “yeah yeah, I heard you.” How can I get him to listen to me?
19. Two of my classes are right next to a bunch of ongoing, never-ending construction. The workers and machines make a ton of noise and I cannot pay attention. Any advice? I need these classes to get into the nursing program and my GPA needs to remain high.
20. My sister always comes to me with her problems. She is always detailed about her situation but for some reason I just cannot pay attention to her trivial problems. By the time she is done speaking I have no clue because I tend to day dream a lot and always end up saying “I am sorry you had a bad day.” I wish I could be more empathetic towards her problems so that I can give her good advice. Is there a way I could concentrate more on the conversation?
21. I have a hard time listening to people when they give me too much information. For example, they tell me something and I got it but they keep going on and on and I feel impatient. I try to show my impatience by looking annoyed but they don’t seem to get it.
22. My ex-girlfriend seems to be determined to get back with me no matter who I am involved with. She calls me often and invites me to come visit her late at night and she asks me out for dates. I am currently involved with someone else but I would like to still be her friend. I don’t want to jump to a conclusion at the risk of our friendship…what should I do?
23. My name is Josh; I am 40 calling from Colorado. Every time someone is talking to me I tend to mute the talker out and be in my own world. How can I improve my hearing?
24. When I have a problem I want to share it with my husband. However when I do, he quickly jumps in and starts telling me what to do and how I should handle the situation. How can I get him to hear what I am saying without immediately telling me what to do?
25. Often times my girlfriend complains to me about her mother. However the subject is extremely boring to me. I like her a lot and I don’t want to hurt her feelings? What should I do?
26. Hi my name is Gloria and I am calling from New York. I have a friend who is always saying negative things about everybody. It doesn’t take a genius to consider that she probably talks this away about me to other people as well. She is a good person but I don’t know how to tell her to stop talking crap about everybody all the time!
27. My name is Beck and I am 28 years old. I have a problem with people who go off on tangents that have nothing to do with what we are talking about. I mean I want to scream “shut up you idiot that has nothing to do with what we are talking about?” but that might seem rude. Any suggestions about how I can get that message across without being mean?
28. Hey my name is Marc from New Jersey. I have a problem with people who tend to offer too much personal information too fast—it makes me uncomfortable and irritated. In class or at work—they just kind of spill their guts and it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like they expect me to disclose something and I have no intention of doing that so I try to appear disinterested. This does not seem to work. Any advice?
27 comments:
Learn as much as you can and focus. Stay in touch with the teacher as much as possible, ask questions and be open to new things. Skye is an amazing teacher, don't use her and think that you can do nothing throughout the class and pass. Read the material and apply it to your life; then observe how your life changes in your relationships with not only your partner, but your family and friends
I would have to say that this is a pretty awesome class. You get an opportunity to learn a lot of new skills that help to make you a better, more well-rounded person. The reading is pretty easy, but there can be a lot of it if you let it build up, so do it when she assigns it and it will stay painless. Really, the big thing about this class is to just stay open, and be willing to learn. Skye is a cool, fun, and interesting teacher, and she will be chill with you as long as you don’t try to schmooze her with lots of bs. (Oh and she shows up late to class, so don’t trip if you’re a few minutes late yourself ^_< ).
Do the reading and actually try to apply it to your life because you will see results. The reading will also help with the oral midterm which is pretty entertaining. This class is chill, just show up and go with it. Sky is too dope to cope, too fly to pass by.
To be successful in any class, you have to show up. Not only in body but in every other way. You need to be present, have an open mind, be willing to learn and try to apply what you learn to your life. If you aren't sure about something--ASK!! Skye is approachable or you can email or call her. Keep up with the reading, set aside time everyday to go over class notes and do some of the reading. Commit to the class and your education.
Words of advice? Relax and keep an open mind. This class, and the reading material, will give you a new perspective on your personal and professional relationships. If you choose to apply some of the skills you discuss and practice in this class you may find that you are a better friend, significant other, coworker, and human. Skye is a wonderful discussion leader and facilitator. This is one of the best classes I have ever taken. Enjoy it. And yes, the midterm is pretty amusing…
In Skyes Class Learn As Much As Possible And Everything Will Be fine Just Read The Book And Try Hard.Because This Class Is Not Easy.It Takes Time And Effort To Pass.Also Be Polite To Skye And You Will Get Along With Her She Is Extremely Nice.And The Class Will Help You In The Long Run.Plus It Will Help You If You Have Any Relationship Problems r
This class requires participation. I would recommend not missing any classes if possible. Skye is a vivacious, intelligent teacher, and she offers some great information about listening and perception. The reading is interesting and is not time intensive, but it should be done prior to class to get the most out of the class. Also, the class assignments are updated frequently and need to be checked every day on the blog.
I would recommend this class to anyone. We can all improve our listening and communication skills. I really got a lot out of Gifts from the Heart, by Randy Fujishin. After reading the book I can't help but listen to people in a different way. For example, Gift 4 in the book teaches active listening skills that assure that the listener is receiving the message the speaker is trying to convey. These skills are important to develop in order to be a better friend, employee, employer, teacher, family member, etc...
I feel like I will be able to utilize these skills, along with many of the other suggestions in the book, in all aspects of my life.
I think it's really important in any class involving active participation to leave all baggage at home, or at least in your car. It allows you to open up your mind and see the world from a whole new perspective. The class is very fun, and with a good attitude, you'll learn a thing or two.
Show up ready to engage. It's so much more than a listening class!
If you give the ideas a chance you'll probably learn something useful you never expected to know.
Skye is one of a kind and so is the class.
Janis wrote:
I just posted anonymously and it said I was Gina. Hmmm
-----------------------------------------
Show up ready to engage. It's so much more than a listening class!
If you give the ideas a chance you'll probably learn something useful you never expected to know.
Skye is one of a kind and so is the class.
This is a cool class that one does not need to stress to much over. The homework is manageable, and the class work is fun and gets almost everyone to interact. As long as you are willing to participate, chances are that almost everyone will take away a new communication skill, or learn something new. Just go with the flow…
Listening was nothing I expected it to be, it was a lot better. Sky is a wonderful teacher, who you learn to see more as a friend than your instructor. Her outgoing personality infiltrates even the most timid person. The class is innovative and although some aspects are common sense, it teaches you to apply them to your everyday life. This is the first class in which my work was submitted online, but it isn’t half as scary as it seems. The assignments are insightful and fun. I just wish the course was a little lengthier because I feel like there is so much more to learn. Either way if you go into the class with a positive outlook I guarantee you’ll get so much more than expected.
Hellooooooo, Everyone! :]
I am currently enrolled in Skies listening class and is by far the most insightful class I have taken. She will guide you through an effective way to be a listener. People feel as though no one is listening to them, particularly by elders, or the other way around. After Skies class you will be sure to be able to work your way out of this negative spot not only in class but in your life as well. Be open minded when you come into class as well as an active participator! Last but not least, have a great laugh! Skie is hilarious, and check out her shoes! Their HOT. :]
-- Cristy
This class is pretty awsome but mostly because skye makes it so much fun. She is a great teacher. She doesn't like it when you talk a lot so i suggest you dont. Read all the material and try to put it n your won words and apply it yo yourself
this is a great class. skye is an entertaining teacher too. you will enjoy it may seem like a lot of reading during the summer in the begginnning but once you get used to the flow of things you will see that it is not. Do the reading it is worth it.
Sam Witmer
Its a super fun and relatively easy class, but that doesn't mean you should slack off. Keep up on the reading or it will sneak up on you, and when you haven't read the material< everybody knows it. Dont be afraid to speak your mind, or have others do so about your opinions. Have fun!
Be ready to learn and have a good time doing it. Skye teaches the class in a relaxed manner but don’t think that this is a reason to slack off on doing assignments and come to class unprepared; do not mistake her kindness for weakness. Take in the message of the class, participate in the lectures, come with a positive attitude, and enjoy sharing your feelings with the whole class.
Active participation during class is essential for success in this course. Reading the book and learning how to apply the knowledge in various situations would help greatly in understanding the concepts of listenig.
I took comm 6 during the summer... my advice would be to keep up with the reading (everyday/night) unless you don't mind reading a book all at once. Do the blog responses! They will help you to think and see more deeply into the subject, gaining a fuller understanding. Participate in class! You will get so much more out of this class if you take a leap and speak up in class. And most importantly, enjoy the learning process, relax and be positive. :) If you are one who tends to stress out-try your hardest not too. On the other hand if you are one who does enough just to get by, i recommend to do the opposite-learn as much as you can and stay focused. The class is worth your attention and skye deserves more than she gets for being such a kick ass teacher.
i hope i'm doing this right. i don't like blog but its gotta be done. So far i'm enjoying Comm 6 although i've only been in that class one time. Learning from others is something or asking for help from others is something i never really like doing. that has change because when i learn from others it opens up more doors.
Ernesto Garcia
LINK: Listen, Invite, Notice, & Know. this is an important aspect of communicating. when i speak to my friends i rarely pay attention. Using LINK helped understand my friends a little better
Ernesto Garcia
Please let me know if i'm doing this right....thanks
DEAR Mrs.SKYE
The Gifts from the Heart is truly a gift for those people in relationships. When people gift, they become better people in the eyes of the receives.I strongly agree with the author, that if we have a answers for those questions at the end of "gift1" we might become successful givers. To be effective, you should make sure that your loved one and you are on the same page, at same level and chapter in love. You have to think of others more than yourself.
P/S: I am sorry,I was late.
DIEM VO
David Martinez
Comm. 6(wed) Part 1
I believe the most important Intention is to have is the ability to listen to others and yourself. Without the ability to listen there can be no true communication amongst people. The obstacle from this intention that tends to show in me most often is that of dosing off into other places. Whenever I am not fully into a conversation or don’t like the topic of one; I begin to wander away from the moment and into a whole different world.
DIEM VO COMM 1
Listening is a skill, and many of us are not patient enough to practice this skill. Gift number four from "Gifts from the Heart" has shown us how to become a active listener. If we decide to listen to a speaker, we should listen to them as an understanding listener; in return, the speaker will appreciatite the audience, and that cuold be a precious gift for both listener and speaker.
Hi Skye, I have heard nothing but amazing things about you and your class and am totally excited to be in both your Listening and Public Speaking class this Winter Session!I hope both these classes will really help me become a better person:).- Sasha Ushakoff
Hi my name is Emily, and I am enrolled in the Listening class at 9 am during Wintersession. I have completed all of the readings in Gifts of the Heart so far, and I'm finding some of it's concepts are very helpful and solve a lot of problems I have communicating. However, I'm a little confused about the blogging, and how we are turning in our responses to the Principles of Mindful Dialogue assignment. I don't see anyone else posting from my class, so I'm a little lost. Can someone please fill me in on how we submit our responses?? Thank you!
- Emily
I am enrolled in Comm 6 spring 2010, I have heard good things about this class and am looking forward to this semester...
I will learn as much as I can and I am very open to new things. I am excited to apply this material to my life and see how things change and hopefully improve.
Nicole Sunshine Kinder
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